"Letting Go" (Detachment)

I was going through some old papers, and I came across a packet that I got at a foster care confrence that had a poem about letting go that I absolutly LOVE:
To let go does not mean to stop caring.
It means that I can't do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off.
It's the realization I can't control another.
To let go is not to enable,
But to allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness
Which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try to change or blame another.
It's to make the most out of myself.
To let got is not to care for, but to care about.
To let go is not to fix, but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle of arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own destinies.
To let go is not to be protective.
It's to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny, but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold, or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To let go is not to criticize and regulate anybody, but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To let go is not to adjust everyting to my desires, but to take everyday as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To let go is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.
To let go is to fear less and LOVE MYSELF MORE!
-author unknown

I am sooooooooooooo OUT!

It is possible that I am acting a bit butt hurt, but I am really irritated right now. Before I headed out of town my parents bought a new mattress. I asked my mom what she was going to do with the old mattress, and when she said she was going to throw it out I told her that I wanted it. When I got home today I checked outside for the mattress, checked in the camp trailer, and when I couldn't find it I asked my mom what they had done with it. My mom said it was in the trailer, I was like uh I just checked the trailer and I didn't see it...I said where in the trailer, she said outside in the "other" trailer (the crappy hauling wooden trailer that we haul stuff to the dump in) then she told me that it didn't get covered and it got rained on. When I told her that I was frustrated because I had made it clear that I was interested in it she said that I "wouldn't" have wanted it anyways, and that I would be better off buying a mattress from DI....WHAT?????? I then told her that I am NOT interested in buying some strangers old mattress, cause that is just gross! Then I walked out the door. I called my Dad and left him a message later seeing if there was any chance of saving the mattress if it got covered and was able to dry out... He didn't feel the need to call me back, so when I got home I asked him if he got my message... then he said that I didn't want the old mattress anyways, cause it was old, blah, blah, blah... I said well thanks for making that decision for me, and went to my room. My mom opened my door about two minutes later and said we didn't make "your" decision for you, we made "our" decision: it was our mattress to do whatever we wanted with, and it was our decision whether to keep it and store it, or throw it out! My only response was Okay! I think my favorite part about the situation is that my mom when I asked her about it was VERY vague by saying it is in the trailer and it didn't get covered so it got rained on....when I went outside when I got home just to see where it was and if it had been covered, I found it on top of the trailer out by the wood pile (it did not look as if they had even thought about salvaging it... it was clearly on it's way to the dump!) I was ambivalent about moving into my friends grandma's house for the next month till this little experience, no doubts now... I am packing up my stuff TOMORROW!

beep...beep...beep...beep...beep...beep...beep...beep...beep...beep...beep...beep...beep...beep...beep...beep...beep...beep...beep...beep...beep...

My baby journey tour has come to an end, and it was wound down by an excruciating three hour drive home with my dash going beep...beep... (you get the picture!) My car is soooooo ghetto! It is an old honda whose seatbealts are hooked to the door. My door springs are busted or something, so even though the door is shut and locked and my seat belt is on the dash still registers that it is NOT...LAME!!!! I tried to drowned out the beeping with with my earphones on full blast listening about riviting topics like ethics, and diversity...but it didn't work so hot! Anyways back to my baby tour...It was strange seeing my friends with little babies, it just hits home that I could be settled down having little ones of my own too...but I am not. When I think about the places where life has taken me, I have little regrets, plus I WOULDN'T want to trade places with either of my friends...but I wouldn't mind having a baby either! I was just talking to my sister about how weird it would be to have babies now, and we both agreed that babies are definately not in our near future! Well I am out of words for now...

The subconciousness' journey into consciousness

I have had an interesting weekend of random memory recollections, that has really got me thinking. I had a conversation with my friend tonight about how vivid certain types of memories can be, and it reminded me of a discussion in one of my classes the other day. In class we were discussing child bullying, and one of my classmates shared an experience that she had when talking to a school counselor about bullying. The counselor told her to think back to a time where she felt bullied, and describe it. The counselor then called to attention how detailed and vivid those experiences are in our recollections. Our brains are such amazing memory recollection tools...they can be triggered by so many things (sounds, smells, landmarks, people, words... and the list goes on!) Memories are such powerful things, which are not always susceptible to conscious control (sometimes making them intrusive!) I guess that is what makes PTSD such a devastating mental disorder ( because it involves the inability to control intrusive thoughts/memories). The treatment for PTSD traditionally involves systematic desensitization and flooding techniques(which interestingly enough is exactly what the person is trying to avoid!) So on a smaller scale it makes me wonder if it is better to allow memories to flood you until they lose their power, or is it better to fight against them? Is it better to avoid places that hold memories, or is it better to force yourself to visit those places so often that they no longer trigger a certain memory (thus losing it's power?) I find myself pacifying myself with distraction, but is it better to just allow those memories to flood over me till they no longer hold such force? I guess life is full of trial and error experiments...and statistically there is only a fifty/fifty chance that the experiment be a success...

CRASH...........................

I just finished watching the movie crash, and it has been a while since a movie has effected me like that did. I think the movie just hit me because it is so sad how real to life those perceptions are! I watched a nightline program the other night titled "what would you do", and I was surprised at peoples reactions to domestic violence, blatent racial predjudice, and bullying. I had to ask myself what my reaction would be to some of those situations. It reminded me of a situation that I had almost four years ago when I was in a van with my teamates. We were in heavy traffic and in a car next to the van a couple was having an obviously heated argument, when the man reached over and slapped the woman across the face. I think we were all just shocked to have just seen what we had seen, but when one of our teamates said that we should call the police we convinced her not to...Looking back on that that makes me really sad... I wish we had done something for that woman! I guess that is what makes life a human experience...we inevitably screw up, but maybe all is not lost if we learn from it?

I got what I wanted???

Well it turns out that I didn't have to have my home visit tonight... I got stood up! This is the second time in a row that I have scheduled an appointment with her, called to confirm, then got to the house and no one is there? I could be really pissed about driving out there, and wasting an hour and a half of my time, but mostly I am sad. Having this happens really reminds me that when services are voluntary how important it is to gain repore with someone so that you can provide services. I don't blame her for standing me up... if I was her I would be tempted to give up too! I just seems that no matter what she does it is not enough for "other people" on the treatment team...so it is hard to convince her that anything that her and I do will change that! The hardest part about the whole situation is that by her standing me up, she is proving "them" right and therby solidfying her fate! It just sucks cause I can't help her unless she lets me, so there is really nothing I can do!

uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuug!!!!!!!!!

I have this theory that when you take a nap there is a possibility of two outcomes... either you wake up feeling great and rested, or you wake up feeling like you got hit by a train... I just woke and it was the latter! I am just trying to pull myself together enough for a home visit I have in an hour. I wish I could just cancel, but I really have to see this family. It has been REALLY hard to get motivated to put in hours at my practicum because I am technically done with the hour requirment for graduation, so there is even less of a motivation! Wednesday I totally bailed on a meeting that I was sorta supposed to go to, but when you don't need the hours, and you don't get paid it is really difficult to talk youreself into attending a "what works" meeting with a bunch of stuffy directors! I was actually going to go, and was on my way to the office, but when I checked my messages I found out it was not at our office, and it was earlier than I thought it was too...so I just called and said oh I am not going to be there by the way! While I was driving towards the office and checking my messages I hit a little squirrel... I had never done that before, and it felt kinda strange. Sure I have re-run over dead road-kill, but never before had I seen something living, run over it, and looked in the rear view mirror at it lying dead in the road. I wasn't really that upset about it, and that is what made if feel strange... I had just killed a living creature (accidently of course) but that was a first for me, and I would have thought that it would have effected me more? It was just kinda wierd, cause I probably should have been a bit more remorseful... but it just happened so fast?! I really should be getting ready to head out of town tommorow, but I am just not feeling like it. Time to head to my home visit...yippee! (sarcasm)

Kalle Stropp Och Grodan Boll I Radio Kalops ,Chinese in Steps &Faure In Nature?

Sounds exotic doesn't it... but it is not! I am currently copying CDs from an audio study guide for my licensure exam to my laptop (I guess you could call it stealing?) Anyways these are the titles that Itunes came up for the material...sometimes it might as well be chinese! I am looking forward to hot times on the road with me and this audio study guide! I am having this intense pain in my side, it pretty much sucks! It remindes me of the "phantom" pain I used to get all the time a few years ago, but it has relocated to the other side... sometimes I wonder if I have a somatoform disoder?

I'll tell you why I can't put up with you people, because you're bastard people, that's what you are, you're just bastard people and I'm goin home...

and I'm gonna bite my pillow, that's what i'm gonna do!
Long and UNeventful weekend... but I did Finally get internet on my laptop at my house (I've only been waiting for it since Christmas!) I think I will kind of miss driving down to the church down the block to pick up a wireless connection though; there was just a sense of adventure sitting in my car in the dark parking lot feeling like a bit of a deviant! Maybe I will be hanging out in that parking lot again soon? I am seriously contemplating moving into a friends house till I graduate... It is funny that I finally got internet at my house and I may be moving!? Maybe there will be a wireless signal near her house? She has the house to herself while her grandma goes on vacation for a month or so...Plus she has a hot tub and a pool when it gets warmer! It seems like a pretty sweet deal, but I just don't know... I just don't know how comfortable it would be living with her (especially cause I go through some pretty anti-social times due to school, and all that entails!) Oh decisions! Only one day of class left till spring break! I am going on a little baby tour! Two of my friends have had babies within the last six months so I am going to make the rounds. I am heading to Lehi first to see my friend that just moved there, and maybe look into possible job prospects???? Then heading up to Rexburg, then over to Arco... Hot times! I am actually excited for the break... Just hope my P.O.S. car doesn't break down on me! Well I should be writing a paper right now... blah blah blah!

Ryan Peck and Aqualung...

Just got back from a concert tonight, and it really has been too long since I have done that...except the tavern show...but still, I am sad that it has taken me so long to get active about going to shows and discovering new sounds since I moved to Boise! It just seems like life is going by at warp speed, and I have neglected some things...It sucks that it has tended to be those things that I feel most passionate about, and those things that make me truly feel alive. Ah grad school the life that I call death? Just 54 days, 13Hrs, and 30min to go! I guess there are sacrifices that must be made for any worthwile attainment, but I am ready to be done!

"It's like how many babies fit in a tire"... Ok so maybe not!

Introducing Emily Reese Jardine who as of today is 6 days old! Cute isn't she! It is kind of strange to me that a good portion of my friends now have little offspring! This is the first child of one of my college friends...my best friend from childhood had a baby in september. It is hard to imagine having kids because my life doesn't seem to be heading down that child bearing path any time in the foreseeable future...just waiting around for that "appropriate time" I suppose! It just seems that having a family is soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo far away...with maybe even a couple more ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo's! I have been struggling with career planning ambivelance lately. I am struggling with the idea of planning for my future under a "single" person's framework, because I hope to not have that framework FOREVER! It just sucks that I am finishing up the only life plan that I really have any control over, and it leaves me wondering which way to go from here? Maybe it is me just coping, but I don't feel as anxious about my post graduation plans now as I did six months ago (even though I am no closer to a plan now than I was then!)ARGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG! Enough of that... I did something today that I can't remember ever doing before. I was leaving the social work office heading toward the library and when I walked outside it was hailing pretty hard. I thought about waiting to see if it would let up, but decided to go anyways. In some bout of stupidity I left the house this morning with a poor excuse for a sweater...so I just thought yep I am going to get wet and cold! I started out into the hail and could feel the hail hitting me, but fought the instinct to shrink away from it and just let it hit me. I felt a grin forming on my face at how rediculous I must have looked walking through the hail with nothing to pretect me from it, but at the same time I enjoyed feeling the hail coming down on me...it was kind of freeing/exhiliarating?! After I had made the trek to the library and I was safe under the awning I looked out at the hail and had the urge to go play in the hail and lay down and let the hail hit me... I had to fight that urge, cause no matter how much fun I had playing in the hail It wouldn't be worth being miserably cold and wet for the rest of the day... Some other time I suppose!

"Well, then, I just HATE you... and I hate your... ass... FACE! "

Couldn't have said it better myself! I really do think that sometimes life is best explained by quotes from waiting for guffman!... For example I went to a show saturday night, and it is summed up by the quote:"It's like in a Hitchcock movie, you know, where they tie you up in a rubber bag and throw you in the trunk of a car. You find people." I guess a bit of the back story is in order... I was browsing local myspace artists, and came across one who was playing in a little tavern for free so I decided that I would go. I asked a guy I work with if he wanted to meet up with me with his partner, so I was sitting there waiting for them to show up. I looked across the small little tavern (and of the maybe 15 people in the tavern was a guy that I knew from high school who was sitting talking to the guy that I went to see play.) I probably stared a bit, cause I couldn't believe that that was him, and I couldn't get past how random it was that he was one of the 15 people sitting there! He was there with his wife and his two (little) boys...Who does that?, but that is besides the point! I didn't end up turning to talk to this guy till after my friend and his partner decided to head out, so I was sitting at an empty table right next to him. I was like Hi, I don't know if you remember me, but I just wanted to say hello. I complimented him on his beautiful family(Seeing his little boy kind of made me feel emotional...not sure of what that was about?) He said that he did remember me... I wanted to say yeah didn't you make my friends sister eat a popscicle stick!? I controlled myself though!(He was slightly psychotic when I knew him ,but he did a lot of growing up since I knew him...I think?) I asked him if he knew the guy playing, and he said that the guy playing owns a recording studio, and that he had wanted to record some of his music. It was kind of awkward after that and I just said well it was good to see you, maybe I'll see you around? Then after the guy got done playihg I went up to talk to him a little... through the amazing myspace networking I realized that he was going to be playing with another band I knew in Utah, and it appeared that he was hosting them in a couple months too... His brother is the one that is actually hosting the show, but freaking small world ya know! I think it is best summed up by another quote..."Well, it's like, how many babies fit in a tire, You know that old joke..."

I am not defined by my labels...

I had a really interesting conversation with my practicum supervisor today. She asked me how things were going in the office. I could tell that she was asking for a specific purpose, and it took me a second to understand what she was getting at. She started out by saying how the dynamic of the office has changed over the last few months and the majority of the workers had a similar experience and upbringing...it hit me oh duh!.. the majority of the office were raised in the religion that I affiliate with, but for a myriad of reasons are no longer members. When I understood what she was talking about, it reminded me of a situation the other day I had with a person that works in the office next to ours. I was talking to her about her visiting an agency that I worked at in Pocatello, and she mentioned the program director. I said oh she is really great, and then this woman asked me a really strange question... she said what "culture" is she affiliated with? I asked her what she meant, and she said oh you know "culture". I said well I do know her husband is from a different ethnicity, is that what you mean? She said you know the culture that your from...I was like huh? and then said well she is not affiliated the such and such religion if that is what you mean? She then shook indicating that that is what she was getting at, and made some kind of comment that when she met her she wasn't sure at what kind of resource this woman be for her agency, because she didn't know what kind of services would be advocated. It was weird cause at that point I got a strong sense for the first time with this woman that I was the "other". Through my conversation with my supervisor I had an opportunity to explain what it felt like for me to experience someone making assumptions about knowing my "culture" based on my religious affiliation. I told her that it is pretty irritating for people to define me and make assumptions about me based on my labels...it is sort of explained by the saying that goes something like the worth of the whole is greater than the sum of it's parts? My supervisor had said that someone had brought to her attention that the situation and cohesive nature of the office, could make it difficult for someone who didn't feel a part of the group. It was interesting that I had not thought of that before. I guess labels don't effect me like they do others... to me it is just me and three other PEOPLE in our office. Sure I was aware that one of these things is not like the others (ME) but I didn't feel like that really impacted our relationships? We talked in great detail the importance in our profession to be very careful about making assumptions about people based on the limited information that we have, and the importance of understanding individuals, not stereo types. My supervisor said that I was in a very good position to help teach some of the people I work by articulating with them what I had talked to my supervisor about when the opportunity presented itself (If I wanted to) Maybe who knows? Well that is enough out of me tonight...on to study land!

My choice of vocation is interesting to say the least! I do home based service with families, which makes situations highly unpredictable. Tonight was probably the first time that I really felt vulnerable... It is interesting how in tune our bodies are to conflict! When I walked in the door I knew by my reception that something was going on... you just get that gut feeling, ya know. I find cultural family dynamics to be facinating. One of the professors that I absolutly love said that any family under enough stress will appear dysfunctional...that is so true! I walked into a pretty intense power struggle in this family, and it was all I could do to just keep everyone from shutting down or exploding at eachother... I think I was somewhat helpful/supportive, but I also wonder if I just fueled the fire? The mom actually asked me to leave, and asked to see me tomorrow...it sucked because I knew the mom was embarrased that her kids were acting out,and she didn't have control of them I just got the feeling that I just stirred the pot and walked away! It just takes a lot out of you when you are trying to mediate in a highly emotional situation like that, and there is a certain amount of second guessing that happens afterward... did I do or say the right thing, what could I have done differently? I guess that is where the real learning happens?!

Word salad...

I was in class today and we had a speaker on thought disoders. The speaker obviously knew his stuff... but not exactly an dynamic speaker. While he was presenting I found myself wandering, and one area of distraction was the concept of word salad. I think it is absolutely hilarious that "word salad" is a clinicial term used by professionals. You would think that highly educated people would choose a phrase more sophisticated, but alas it is word salad! The meaning is: jumble of extremely incoherent speech as sometimes observed in schizophrenia. I guess I think it is funny because I am picturing one of two things...a literal picture of a salad... and the other... and sorry to admit it has to do with "tossing" and having nothing to do with literal salad! (forever tainted by the "wealth" of knowledge afforded to me by high school!) It is also funny watching professionals describe experiences they have had with people exhibiting this "word salad" symptom... they just get so animated and make gestures of spewing words and jumbling them up in a bowl and picking them out at random. I guess words cannot exactly do seeing/hearing justice?

what gives??????????????????????

I go out to my car to go home after a lonnnnnnnng day at school and I get in my car, turned the key and NOTHING!!!! I seriously don't think I left my lights on cause my lights would have still been in the "up" position and they weren't? Anything is possible I guess, but I swear that I looked at my lights and they were off when I left my car? The best part of the situation is that I am not sure if I am going to be able to pop the hood? I tried to pop the hood the other day to fix the squeaky belt that is absolutely obnoxious, but it wouldn't work... I didn't stress about it then, cause I can live with a stupid squealing belt... but I can't exactly do with a car that doesn't start! Well I guess I will just wait till my Dad comes to the rescue and cross my fingers I suppose?

I am constantly reminded that resolve is just as strong as a persons concentration, which can be distracted by mere distraction...and alas I am weak!

I ended up going to see memoirs of a geisha tonight solo style. I don't know if it was the film, or my mood that reminded me of the the good ole' lamphouse theatre...boy do I miss tuesday night movies sometimes! I heard that they are closing, which is so sad to me. I can remember the cute little excentric people that ran the place, and I remember how comfortable the lady would make me feel when I would come there by myself. It was almost like she was welcoming me to watch a movie in her own house. I can remember the musty smell, the creaky sound of the floor boards, having to pass the fancy restaurant (the kind where people would stick their pinky's out when the took a sip of wine)to use the bathroom. I loved browsing the video collections to rent movies that didn't only entertain me, they changed me.I do believe that the first time I ever went to a movie by myself it was there? Someone the other day told me that he didn't think he could ever go to a movie by himself... maybe if he were to be welcomed by the same woman behind the counter the first time he did it he would gain strength from her? Sometimes there is just solace in solitude...yet other times unrest. I am glad that I made the decision to go by myself I contemplated sending a quick invite via email but decided against it... I am sure it was for the best, cause it would have just fed my irritation when the invite was declined...I do believe that curiosity is a strong allure, but it only lasts long enough for information to be gathered...

So elder Hansen...

My little brother just got his mission call today. It is really strange to me, because he just doesn't seem that old...but purhaps it is because I don't want to feel this old? He is going to Columbus OH. I feel kinda sad for him, cause I know it was a bit of a let down because like every other 19 yr old he wanted to go to some exotic location. I wonder what the statistical odds of recieving a foreign mission call are? Well that should probably be all from me tonight... especially because I am sitting in my car in an empty random church parking lot on my laptop at 1:30 in the morning...!

Ah funny...

I think it is pretty funny that as an intern I was the last to leave the office yesterday, and the first to arrive this morning. Yesterday was freaking long... I put in almost 12 hours at the good ole' practicum and when I got here today (at about a quarter to ten) the office was just as I left it last night! Office life around here is pretty laid back... there is no micro managing really at all and everyone comes and goes as they please. It is almost unheard of for people to stay a full day on friday (that is if they come in at all!) I had an interesting evening last night and I really learned a lot. I had a home visit of a client that has been a kind of chaotic case, and I am amazed a peoples ability to cope with stuff. I sat on the floor with this woman cause she moved in on monday and didn't only had one chair in the living room. Building a relationship with this particular woman has been slow going because she is really protective of her family, but last night I saw her open up and I got some information that was so valuable in understanding just why she does what she does. I am amazed at how well people are able to deal with with all the crappy stuff that happens to them! I have been trying to gather information on some post graduation plans... and it was kind of ironic that I got an email from the director of my program about a UK job exchange program... or maybe not? I emailed an old teammate about her experiences living and working in the UK and she had some interesting things to say... but I can't help but think that if I were to pack up for another adventure I would be putting other aspects of my life on hold... again where is my crystal ball with all the answers?!