Lame Lame Lame...!

Why is it that the only comments I get are from people I don't know, and/or are trying to solicit me? If ANYONE ELSE (that isn't spamming) reads my blogs they should say hello sometime!

the only constant is change!

Ambivalence sucks! I have been in an agency for my practicum for over 120 hours and, have only seen my supervisor for an hour and a half... which is less than 1%! To top it off I am not really working with my desired client population, so I have been going back and forth about a possible change. I was pacified about a week ago that things were going to change for the better...but not so much! And now I find myself back at the beginning which is really nowhere! Monday is go time, because I either need to be taking on new clients who are coming into treatment, or I need to be starting somewhere else. I am in the process of exploring different options, but I am hesitant at being impulsive, because I feel that is half the reason that I am currently where I am at... How is that for saying a lot without really saying anything!?

confrontation ≠ conflict!

I don't get people sometimes... I have a friend that I signed up for a class with and we have been carpooling...until recently! She hasn't felt like going to class which is fine with me, BUT instead of telling me that she is not going, she just drops off the face of the earth for a while and doesn't answer her phone... Frustrating! I guess I will never understand why people do that. Am I that scary? Do people feel intimidated to tell me how they feel? It just ends up being a way bigger deal for me cause I feel avoided and that irritates me. Plus I feel like it is such a selfish way to deal with things! It is difficult for me to relate to somone who is so anti-confrontational, because I am soooo not! Sure it sucks if you feel like you what your saying is letting someone down... but ignoring them doesn't bother them at all? Seriously!!? Purhaps I am over-reacting, but purhaps not...

Rita blows through cajun country...

I was sad to hear that Rita blew directly through Lake Charles today. I was thinking about the month I spent there working at Sam Houston Jones state park and my heart went out to all those living there. I feel so sheltered living in Idaho because I have never had to live through a major natural disaster...knock on wood! I have gotten quite a few emails from NCCC Alumni asking for all those Americorps alumnists that can to volunteer to go down and help in Louisianna and Mississippi... It totally sucks that I am in grad school right now, because I would go down there in a heart beat if I wasn't currently in school! I feel so selfish and self absorbed because I am disaster relief trained by the red cross and they are in such GREAT need for TRAINED volunteers, and my hands are tied by grad school!? It is not my time I guess...

Happy Fall Equinox!

I took this little quiz about fall today... It was both fun and informational! See how you do...?
http://encarta.msn.com/quiz_13/Getting_to_the_Bottom_of_Autumn.html

first official assignment = done!

So I meet with one of the professors that I am going to be working with for my graduate assistantship to find out what she wanted to me to be doing, and she said: "Well today all I need you to do is take some books back to the library for me" I almost laughed outloud! (I was thinking are you for real?) I am supposed to be working 5 1/2 hours for this woman and all she had for me to do was take books back to the library for her?! ...besides the fact that by the time that she walked me out to her car and gave the books to me to take back she could have done it herself!... I'm not even scheduled to meet with her again for two weeks! So she had me follow her out to her car and handed me a stack of books to take to the library... and I did it(on my way I entertained myself about what I could do with the books other than putting them in the book drop)...I am such a bad person!... And that was my first official assistantship task! I think this is going to be an interesting 8 months! I'm not sure how I am going to keep track of the hours/get paid? I HOPE that I am not responsible to keep track of my hours because in that case I have .2 hrs down 150 to go!(it will take a lot of little errands like that to make up the hours)... maybe she'll have me wash her car or clean her house someday... if I'm lucky!?

sometimes...

My computer screen is shaking, it is weird because it looks how I feel!? I was thinking today how much I love Sundays. It is just so great to leave all deadlines and school anxiety behind and focus on things that really matter. I come to look forward to the opportunity to quiet out all the other noises in life and listen to what I really need to hear. Sometimes I feel so weak. Sometimes I feel too fragile. Sometimes I am vulnerable... Weird my computer stopped shaking, but I haven't... Sometimes I feel like I am just going through the motions looking for inspiration to feel. Sometimes I want to cry but I feel like I can't. Sometimes I fake it so well I start to actually believe it. Sometimes I hurt. Sometimes I act confident when I feel weak. Sometimes I shut someone out I want to be in. Sometimes I cry. Sometimes I feel inadequate. Sometimes I feel alone. Sometimes I laugh when I feel like crying. Sometimes I wish I could go back. Sometimes I don't understand. Sometimes I feel unworthy of love. Sometimes I say things to keep people away. Sometimes I would rather not feel at all...
I started writing and then I got caught up in "Somtimes" It wasn't what I was originally going to write at all, but it just went that way. It is refreshing to be real "sometimes"!

Oh me of little faith...

I found out today that one of the two people that originally accepted the graduate assistantship decided not to take it, so it is now mine (For real this time!) I never cease to be amazed at how life plays out sometimes. It seems that I am being presented situations that compel me to be humble and to remind me of where all blessings come from... you would think that I would have learned that lesson by now, but not so much! It just goes to show that sometimes things don't happen on my time line or even the worlds timeline... the Lord has so greater a perspective... It just takes the faith to accept that the all things happen in DUE time!

And the adventure ends...

I got back today from one of the most amazing weekends ever! I not only got to see Tori Amos perform once....but twice! She played her concert on friday, and then played a set for a free outdoor concert in portland put on by a local radio station on saturday. She only repeated one song from her concert at the radio concert... she is so phenomenal (I totally have a woman crush on her!) She is absolutely amazing! During her concert she was playing her baby grand piano with one hand and playing an organ with her other! All I can say is WOW, other than that words fail me. Oh and our seats for the concert... SWEET.. we were 10 rows back directly in the middle with a straight shot view of Tori at her piano! I was talking to my friend because at the free concert before tori was announced we were talking to some people who were asking about her concert the night before. The man said "doesn't she tour with a band?"
She doesn't need a band to fill in for her music... Her sound is just so full and rich with just her and her piano. She is just so talented, and those who disagree obviously haven't seen her perform! The whole concert on friday was excellent. The Likes opened up and even though they are super young, they are really good. The Ditty Bops played second, and they put on a super fun show... if anyone has seen them perform the song "his head is too big" you know what I am talking about!Well guess I have ranted on long enough about it, and I should probably be doing something more productive since my vacation is over now...

Going to Portland...

I am going on a little needed get-away... me and a friend are heading up to see Tori Amos in concert! I am so excited for the chance to get away cause I am still in denial about this whole grad school thing... I am sure it will catch up to me sooner or later! I have been slacking on reading (as usual) but this weekend I am not even going to crack a book! That in itself is EXCITING!

who are we to judge?

I get so frustrated at people that make judgement calls about what someone should or shouldn't do based on their own limited perspective. I just don't get it! People throw around ideals about how someone should or should not act, yet they make no real effort to understand why that person made the decisions they did. I recently came across someones amazingly narrow minded veiw of the victims of Katrina...they had the nerve to postulate that we should focus on the victims that had "LISTENED" to the warnings to evacuate before we focused on the victims that "DIDN'T LISTEN?" to the warnings. That whole premise assumes that the victims stranded in new orleans and other areas in katrina's wrath "ignored" the warnings to evacuate... so where does that leave the people that were not able to leave because of transportation, health, money, or a myriad of other barriers to evacuating? What that statement is really saying to me is that we shoud focus on the middle and upper classes that had the (means) to evacuate and leave the poor festering in the filth that they created by their poor choices...RIDICULOUS!

I've entered the world of Myspace!

I decided that in an effort to remedy my situation of meeting new people to go to shows with I would branch out online... Both my little brothers have myspace's so what the heck! Check my space out if you want www.myspace.com/jansen1981

Going Solo

I went to my first concert by my self tonight... it was a little uncomfortable at first (I felt a little out of place), but after the show started it was ok. It was kinda refreshing because I was able to just enjoy the show and I didn't have to worry about entertaining anyone else. If I were to have dragged a friend along I would have worried if they were having a good time or not, because most of my friends have differing music tastes... I need to branch out and make new friends that are up to date on the boise music scene I suppose, but one day at a time! I found out some sucky news... I didn't get the graduate assistantship that I "thought" I had in the bag... but maybe someone needed it more than me? Well I guess there is a lesson to learn from all this, but not tonight.. tonight I will just accept that it sucks that someone else got the assistantship and worry about learning from it later!