pppppppppppppppwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww...

Above is the best representation of how to put into the words of taking deep breath pursing your lips together and just letting all the air go. I think that pretty much sums up my day! Today was hopefully safely the LONGEST day at work that I will EVER have! I think I left a couple minutes before nine... No biggie just a 14 hour day, that's all! I did take a few girls to the bookstore to honor an agreement I made with them, so I guess that shaves off the day by a couple hours "technically"?! It was a draining day as well with a couple family sessions that left me reeling, so the fact that it lasted so long didn't help at all. I talked to my dad on the drive home tonight, and felt like I was emotionally vomitting on him a bit. I guess I just needed to get it out somehow(Listening to a girl pretty much tell you that she hated you, and that you didn't know how to do your job can kind of wear on you a bit) and he was the first listening ear. Time to get some sleep and be back in less than 10 hours...

mmmmmmm gross ,and cancelled panic at the "E"

I drove after work today to meet up with some friends to see panic at the disco... I know, I know I felt kind of dirty as if I had submitted to the whims of mainstream pop. In the words of one of my girls after she snorted 5mg of crushed adderall in the bathroom with chapstick and a dollar bill, thinking of it makes me feel like a junkie...Ok so maybe that is a bit extreme?! Well no harm done cause the show was canceled due to snow in, but something good did come out of it, cause down the street from there I found greek souvlaki II! Not that it is a lot closer to where I live, but a drive now and again from work is definately doable plus they have a drive through! I mean who doesn't get excited about a good gyro now and again??

Good ol' conversations round the dinner table...

Sometimes the comedy of a situation doesn't completely come to light till you are thinking about it afterward! Yesterday I was talking to my brother, his girlfriend, and my sister and my brother was giving me a hard time about gluing my fingernail on(cause it was trying to fall off since I slammed it in the garage)... So I turned to him and showed it to him. (It just so happened to be my middle finger, and to guarantee that he got a good look pretty much just showed him that one!) We had a good laugh about it, but mostly from my brother's reaction. Today we were sitting around talking about playing games last night and how my little brother feels that every time he plays apples to apples with adults it somehow seems to always leads to references of sex, and briefly something was said about my gesture. Later tonight we were sitting around the table again talking and my brother joked about something being on his "finger"...My mom made it known that she was not impressed with the reference, and said something about referencing sex. Then the entertainment began. My brother and I were talking about how although the gesture and the word originated from a crude word for intercourse, that in today's use it is used derogatorily and not always in a sexual way. Let it be known that we were in no way advocating for using the word or gesture, but simply talking about how it is now defined! My mother with what could have been the most entertaining thing said ALL NIGHT said in her defense of it still being sexual that she remembered a weird kid she went to school who would "flip the bird" and say "Ya wanna?, Ya wanna?"The visual that I got from that was PRICELESS! My brother's girlfriend probably thinks our family is nuts?! My mom got kind of upset because we didn't see it her way, and didn't appreciate the humor in the idea that next time we were at a large dinner table gathering that we could just flip eachother off to indicate that we wanted something passed our way...

Twas the night before thanksgiving...

I went to the grocery store after work today to pick up a couple things I will need to make pies with the girls tomorrow, and I had the most entertaining conversation in the baking isle... a woman out of desperation when picking out a foil baking pan turned to me a man that were picking out our items and said " Have either of you ever cooked a turkey before, I am sure you have, I never have, and I don't know if this pan is too big." I talked with her a few minutes and then sent her on her way to find a turkey oven bag, and then the man that was standing there turned to me and said do you know what chestnuts are?I couldn't help but smile as these people were out trying to pick up the last few items to make their thanksgiving meals complete. The woman seemed so stressed out, and said that she was sure that her family would probably end up going to KFC she even said that her children asked her if they had working smoke detectors in the house! It is weird that I have been planning on working thanksgiving for the last month or so, and even though I am not going to be with my family I am excited to spend time with the girls I work with. The holidays are a really rough time for girls in treatment, and I am looking forward to making the effort to make the holiday special for them. I had planned on staying in Utah this weekend, but I was talking to my mom tonight and she talked me into driving up after work tomorrow...I guess I should get ready to drive to Idaho tomorrow!

Music is my drug of choice...and I am addicted!

The definition of addiction =
Habitual psychological and physiological dependence on a substance or practice beyond one's voluntary control.

Looking back I have always had an inseparable connection to music. I remember as early as nine and ten laying on the couch with the tape player glued to my ears (before earphones were readily available of course!) Music is what I turn to, to cope, regulate, and at times self medicate. I use music for a rhythmic and lyrical escape to fit my needs, and sometimes I feel like I am drifting listless from one fix to the next...

"Have you had just a really effed up day and then had a cigarette that just took you to your happy place?"

Quoted directly from good ol' barstool conversation from a man that asked me if I had any cigarettes three times. I had to laugh cause it really fit, and if was a drinker/smoker tonight would have been "one of those nights" Work was sooooooo draining today, and from noon till about seven when I finally left it seemed like things were just snowballing. I had some really draining family sessions, and when all I wanted to do was curl up on my couch and take a nap I had to attempt a smile and welcome the next one's in instead. What was I thinking scheduling so many family sessions for Friday afternoon?! NEVER AGAIN! I went to a really interesting show, and although it was another one of those solo events, it seemed for the best. I don't know if I could have enjoyed as much if I had talked someone into coming with me... especially since I just don't have any good fits in the friends circle at the moment, or a friend circle at all for that matter! It was just what I needed tonight, something that would calm my nerves from the day... but maybe that was all the second hand smoke? The music was so thick it seemed almost tangible, and it was chaotically hypnotic. It was like a guided meditation of loud noises, and body moving beats, and the first bands "exotic dancer" was good for a smile...

Some days it just gets to you...

So I work in a job that I can pretty much count on being lied to on a regular basis. Knowing that getting lied to is almost a part of my job description makes it easier to swallow, but it doesn't always go down smoothe. I have a girl that is days from her 18th birthday and I told her specifically not to do something today, and found out about an hour ago that she did it and then when I was talking to her about it pretty much lied right to my face. When I found out at first I was really angry, but then it made me sad cause I just wished that she used her integrity when given the chance...somedays it just gets to you...

Murphy's law on short work days= If you have less hours to work with you have more work for the hours...

Today was CRAZY... I had an appointment off campus that I had to leave at 2:00 and I felt like I was running constantly to get everything done. My day in a nutshell: One of my girls is working her magic and trying to manipulate her mother into pulling her from the program (while pretty much challenging me and calling me a liar in the process), one of my girls was bragging about going to a gay bar over the weekend, and covered for a girl who went on the run(and because she is a special placement I got ALL kinds of heat about whether I was on top of the situation with her)... But I think the situation that tops them all was the family session that I had scheduled right before I HAD to leave. Let's just say that NOTHING in this line of work is predictable! The conversation started with the girl talking about changes she wanted to see at home, and after an obvious disagreement from her parents I had her wait in the hall so I could talk to them and then they pretty much talked about their dissatisfaction with their marriage and relationship. But that is not what was most difficult... what was most difficult is that her parents decided to tell her (20 minutes before I had to be out the door) that they have been having difficulties with their marriage and they had seriously considered divorce. I hadn't planned on dealing with that THEN and it was really hard that I basically had to tell this girl who had just been told by her parents that they have been thinking about divorce to hold in there do some journaling and that I would talk to her tomorrow cause I had to leave...IT SUCKED!

What Pit er Pat Taught Me at the Urban Lung...

1. No matter how many plan "B's" you have sometime they ALL fall through...
2. There is a corelation between alchohol and certain peoples ability to regulate the volume of their voice...
3. To an intoxicated person dancing is relative, and can include swinging arms and spastic leg jerks...
4. An empty stool if left long enough will become occupied...
5. One can feel alone when surrounded by people on all sides...
6. One can find commonalities with pretty much anyone (even a drifting firefighter/server named Tim)...
7. Oxygen can become more and more scarce as the hours go by...
8. Sometimes the only person you can truly plan on is yourself...

Sinus pressure... blah blah blah

I "think" I am on the mending side of my stupid cold, but I experienced something today that I had never felt before. I leaned over to pick up something off the floor and It had such pressure in my head around my "frontal sinuses"to be exact.. ;) that it felt like I hit my head almost. It was really odd that the pressure felt almost bruise like? My little pictoral example reminds me of my good ol' A&P class at CSI when we had to be tested orally on bones... oh good old Dr. Sugden (that class was challenging, but oddly my favorite at CSI?) It was good times disecting feral cats, lectures with the cadaver, and other fun stuff like peeing in a cup, or pricking your finger with a lancet to test it?! Good thing I took that class, cause now I'm a therapist...

Drifting through the fever fog

I feel like a poster child for a cold medicine commercial... fever, stuffy nose, sneezing, coughing etc. When I woke up this morning I desperately wanted to roll over, go back to sleep, and call it a sick day... but no such luck because I had things I couldn't reschedule today :( I spent most of the day just wishing that I could curl up in bed and sleep. I think the highlight of the day might have been the couple of times that I had to excuse myself from sessions to go out in the hall to pretty much cough up a lung. We are not talking about a dainty little feminine cough mind you... we are talking a deep LOUD cough that sounds like I have smoked a pack a day for the last 20yrs kind of cough! I definately was towards the end of my patience rope at times... I don't know maybe it had something to do with me running a fever on and off during the day?! Despite feeling way past under the weather, the day ended up good. My first girl that I got on my caseload graduated from the program today. It was kind of sad, and I don't know if it has really hit me that she is gone yet? It is kind of strange that many of the girls that were here when I came to the program are graduating and leaving...the faces in the program are slowly changing to be replaced by new girls coming in. And now I think it's time to curl up in bed and put an official end to the day...